I’ve started this post a hundred times in my head but haven’t been brave enough to let it out until now. We ask others and get asked, “how are you” almost every time we speak to another person. Yet, most of us don’t really take time to listen or respond beyond the expected, good, fine, okay and blessed.
That works most day but some days it is not enough. Some days we need someone to ask how we are and truly listen to what we have to say or to notice what we don’t say.
I’m going to let all of you know something that you might not be able to tell from my social media. These days I am not okay. I have a lot going on offline that makes it hard for me to be as present online as I would like.
Does that mean that I’m lying to you on social media? Nope, never. It just means that I am doing my best to share and focus on the highlights of my life right now. But I felt it really important to share with you the reality behind those highlights.
Now, I’m not going to go into specific details but I will give you bullet points of the challenges facing me currently and then I will share how I’m staying focused on the blessings.
- My mother recently had her 3rd stroke and has just been discharged from the hospital. She can’t fully walk yet and her insurance is going wonky so it won’t cover any of her prescriptions and her in-home services haven’t kicked in yet so all she has is me!
- One of my closest friends has just found out she has a sarcoma and will have to begin chemo/radiation
- I have a weird lump on my arm that I probably wouldn’t have paid any mind except that my friend has just been diagnosed with a sarcoma. I can’t get an appointment with a doctor until May.
- Struggling to get work projects completed
- Struggling to get blog projects completed
- Mom Guilt! Don’t we always have it?
Those are just a handful of the things currently on my plate. There’s more but this isn’t therapy! Speaking of which I have decided that once I get things settled with my mom I will be finding myself a therapist to sit down and exhale to. If you know of a good one in the NYC area please send me their info. As Women of Color we are often taught to be strong and suck it up. I want to break that cycle. Being strong isn’t about swallowing our feelings and concerns. Being strong is about asking for help. I think a lot of times we confuse strength for weakness.
Weakness is hiding behind the perfect image when we’re falling apart. Weakness is pretending that things are sunny when we’re in a storm. I’ve been weak for a long time because I didn’t want to face the truth but I can’t do this alone. To feel better I need help. Until I can arrange my life in a way that makes seeing a therapist fit I will continue to use the resources at my disposal.
I will continue to lean on my friends. That’s what friendship is. Friendship is about the good, bad, ugly and all of the in betweens that come with life. I will continue to pray. I get it, prayer isn’t for everyone but let me tell you that I would be even more lost without it. I will continue to snuggle JustaBXgirl at every opportunity because about the only of my Black Girl Magic not suffering is my mommy magic! I will continue to be transparent with you, here and on social media. Yes, I will mainly share the good because let’s face it, we all escape into our computers, phones, tablets, etc., to find more good. I will continue and even maybe more so really listen for a response when I ask someone how they’re doing because I am in a space where I realize that sometimes we really need to tell someone exactly how we feel.
If you don’t have someone to listen and you want to share, consider me here. This space is a place I hope will always allow parents to feel welcomed and at home.
I’m looking forward to the day when someone asks me how I am and my real response is Great. I’m just not there today.
